Let’s Talk Birthday Sex

The last post in today’s trifecta kicks off on the Thursday before my birthday … no, wait, it actually starts off a week or two before that.

As mentioned in Let’s Talk Morning Sex I was determined to have birthday sex this year, whether with myself or with someone. After being so epically stood up in A Case For Sex Toys I started scouting for rabbit vibrators on various local websites but alas the ones I liked were all out of stock. Boooorrriiing!! So seeing as sex with someone was the only viable option I started working on a list.

What list, you ask?

A sex list.

Lol. For real though. I created a list of potential people to have birthday sex with and prioritised them from my top three, to a few that singemind, to one poor fella who was listed as a last resort. Lol. I worked on the list for a week or so during which the errrm … contenders’ positions kept shifting and I finally settled on an order I liked the Monday my birthweek kicked off.

The Thursday before my birthday was August 1^st, aka birthmonth’s lift-off, so I rocked this lewk:

I had initially planned to go for an industry event at Brew Westy that night but I opted to stay home instead as I needed to wake up early to polish up this post. Which turned out to be a very worthy sacrifice because if there is a post I have received the most compliments for it is that one.

But never waste a lewk right? So instead of Brew Westy I chose to have a private party for two.

I had started working on my sex playlist the day after Leo season kicked off and just before John Doe came to my place that Thursday night I tested it to see if my TV could play it on shuffle (because I am a tech idiot AF) and lucky for me I figured it out. I restarted the playlist when he arrived and Birthday Cake by Rihanna was the first song up which I found to be such a dope ass coincidence because my birthday was in two days. Tap Out by Rich Gang was the second song to play; I remember because I had recently started playing it again and I could not wait to have sex to Weezy’s verse. From there I do not remember the music flow because it was going dooowwnn!!

Long story short, just know I had sex wearing only the boots. The kind of sex, to borrow from yesterday’s Guest Post Wednesday writer Robertta Bobbie, “after aone strokes kadhaa zilikua zimefanya nianze kuhema kama generator inakufa …”

You can use your imagination to fill in the blanks but just know the next day in the office I was walking around like my shit don’t stink. It is so funny what good D can do to you aki. I was sniggering (!?) to myself all day like a mad woman and I cannot help but wonder if I am the only one who gets like this when I reminisce about fuego sex?

My BFF called me on Friday afternoon to see if I was down to hang out in the evening. But I told her that vile John Doe beat the pussy the fuck up the night before I need to conserve my energy for birthday sex the next day.

I also had a similar conversation on WhatsApp with my cousin that same afternoon:

My cousin: John Doe is coming today?

Me: Nah. Eh today I need to rest this pussy

We agreed with John that he will come over to my place for birthday sex at 11 a.m. so that I have enough time to wake and bake, and at around 10:30 a.m. I started to get ready. I put on the bodysuit I almost wore to my Media Director celebration (which is a thong at the back btw), fishnets, my fuckiest of fuck me heels and perfume by Bvlgari. With nothing else left to do but wait I sat on my couch and smoked one more J as I chilled for John to cum bust the pussy open. *Nicki voice*

.

.

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He never showed up for birthday sex.

I will not get into the reasons why he did not show up for birthday sex because they are not important. The only thing that is important is that HE DID NOT SHOW UP FOR BIRTHDAY SEX. Periodt!

And the way there was a sex list of people to choose from but on Thursday John promised to show up so I disregarded the list at the last minute. SMH!! Surely even that guy for ‘as a last resort’ would have been a better option. Next time I swear I will do what I jokingly told my waxing lady ni form – double book, hell even triple book, and not cancel on the other(s) until whoever is lucky enough to show up first gets there. Because Lawd knows I have been stood up more times this year than I have in my entire life and I am done!

Kwanza vile the first time I had sex with John was the day after his birthday so I more or less gave him birthday sex. But he did not come over to my place since he bounced me for birthday sex until the following week on Wednesday. Meaning I gave him birthday sex but me he left me high and dry for 5 days and 4 nights like that Bountiful deal I took to Diani in 2016.

When he came over that Wednesday night I wore some turquoise sweatpants I bought for running errands because I was still so mad that he fucked up birthday sex. Though I wore the sweatpants with a really sexy off-shoulder top with a high potential for boobgate when worn braless, because ata kama nilikuwa nimejam I had to tesa him a bit.

And that concludes the one year blogiversary trifecta. I am ecstatic to be ending it with an SATC post because it is my favourite category to write. Fun fact: I started writing the trifecta on August 7^th and I was writing all three posts at the same damn time which really had me feeling like:

But fucking hell this was a crazy ass idea. Just as crazy as, if not crazier than, 31 on 13. But I did it – smashed it, if the Leo I am do say so herself – because this blog truly is my labour of love. I am so excited to see how this next year of blogging unfolds and I look forward to fucking shit up even more in Year Two.