BEFORE 2020 CAME TO KILL US

What. A. Motherphucking. Year!!!! Am I right or am I right????

In my Karibu 2020 post that I put up on January 8^th I wrote:

Me: 2019 was, unequivocally, the best year of my life. In a post I put up in February last year I declared that I’mma make 2019 my bitch and goddamn goddamn goddamn *Beyoncé voice* did I do just that. You can read the recap of my year here, and it is my hope that 2020 will be just as good as 2019, if not better. But fucking hell 2019 set the bar so goddamn high 2020 may have to work twice as hard to be half as good.

2020: Ati you said “just as good as 2019, if not better?”

In that same post I also wrote:

Me: This year I am also toying around with starting:

1. 1. 1. A fashion section on the blog.
      2. A book club.

2020:

Lol! All jokes aside, the title of today’s post was given to me by my boyfriend (thank you bebé). It is derived from Jessie Reyez’ debut album titled BEFORE LOVE CAME TO KILL US that came out on March 27, 2020. I have been a fan of Jessie since I first heard her perform Apple Juice at the 2018 MTV VMAs. Apple Juice was the first song of hers I played for my boyfriend soon after we met and it was not long before he was into her music too. It is a very beautiful song about a toxic relationship and I know that sounds downright controversial but sweardown no one can write toxic better than Jessie. I mean just look at the lyrics below:

Broken home baby
I can never blame you
No one ever taught you how to love right
No one ever taught you how to stand by
When it’s uphill
And more times this love is just uphill

You’re always fighting something
You never stop running
You don’t even bother tryna keep your smile
Let me take you back, boy let me try
We might be alright
Perfect ain’t coming but we’ll be alright

You just gotta, just gotta love me
Don’t let goodbyes come too easy
Love me, just let me know that you need me
Love me, I’ll teach you how to love me, love me

Broken home baby
I can never hate you
Even though you’re draining soul out of my eyes
Even though you had me crying every night
I see you’re trying
I’m grateful ’cause I see you’re trying

I know I know I know I know why I shouldn’t stay
But I’m stuck tryna save you from you
And you should know that I’m at your mercy
I’ve spent my life searching for you

So you just gotta, gotta love me
Don’t let goodbyes come too easy
Love me, just let me know that you need me
Love me, I’ll teach you how to love me, love me
You just gotta, gotta love me
Don’t let goodbyes come too easy
Love me, just let me know that you need me
Love me, I’ll teach you how to love me

I’ll teach you how to love me

My boyfriend is more experimental with music than I am and since he has come to enjoy Jessie’s music, when a song of hers called Coffin came out he immediately played it for us. It is another song about a highly toxic relationship, and just like Apple Juice, no one writes toxic better than Ms. Reyez. I love love love love the song, and a big part of the reason why is because of Enimem’s explosive guest verse. Fun fact: Em is the only feature on her album.

But, I digress.

Today’s post is more of a check-in given that I did not really post last month. My one and only post was on May 1^st where I basically announced that I will be taking the month off to use the blog as a platform to share guest posts from people who struggle with their mental health like I do. The posts were from Wanjiru Mugenda, Nyambura Kinyanjui, Murage Macharia and Warimi Karogo, and if you have not read their posts yet I highly recommend you do so as they were both deeply moving and highly informative.

Fun fact: Warimi’s post was the 200^th post put up on the blog.

I could not have had a better post for number 200 as Warimi’s story is probably the rawest, most authentic, heartbreaking, inspiring and triumphant post ever put up on the blog, INCLUDING anything I have ever written.

Last month now serves as the inaugural Guest Post Wednesday for all of May as I have decided that every year going forward I will exclusively put up guest posts in May for Mental Health Awareness Month to:

1. 1. Show others that they are truly not alone.
   2. Add more voices to the fight to destigmatise conversations around mental health because every mind matters.

On that note, I am planning to introduce a ‘Mental Health Monday’ segment on the blog. The plan is to put up a mental health post of mine one Monday a month where I will bring you along on my journey to mental fitness. My therapist tells me all the time that healing is a journey so expect there to be ups and downs. Sometimes the balance will be in your favour and you will have more ups than downs. Other times you will have at least a fair balance. But sometimes there are more downs than ups and May 2020 was one of those times for me. I do not know if it was because of Mother’s Day, but that day, week and month in general was just rough. May 2020 was a terrible month for me, but I am much better this month and for that I am grateful.

I had so many plans and expectations for this year but clearly 2020 had other plans. The year started out well but come March we had the first reported case of COVID-19 in Kenya. The government had to set in place measures to help curb the spread of the novel Coronavirus and one of them was to impose a nationwide curfew from 7 p.m. to 5 a.m. Inexplicably and infuriatingly we are now dealing with police brutality over and above the pandemic as the police, who are meant to serve and protect us, are using brute force and killing innocent Kenyans in the name of enforcing curfew.

In addition to police brutality at home we are also witnessing protests in America following the murder of George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor and countless other black people who have been killed over the years by the police.

I finally watched When They See Us on June 1^st and I cried so hard mpaka my boyfriend got concerned as he had never seen me cry that hard before. By the time I was going to bed my eyes were red from crying and I woke up with puffy eyes the next day. My heart absolutely broke for the Central Park Five who were just teenagers when their lives were stolen from them. It is infuriating to know that the racist system that had five innocent boys locked up for a crime they did not commit is still glaringly present in America 31 years later. The time for change is NOW and as one of the best to ever do it said:

With that said, I will sign out now because as mentioned today’s post is more of a check-in and we will be back to regular programming next week. I plan to pick up my mum’s story then so if you are not up-to-date I suggest that you read the previous post, JS Kicking Cancer’s Ass Theme 1 of 13: The Paralysis, so that you are up to speed by the time next week’s post is up. Until then, I am sending you all soooo much love and light.