I Will Remember You by Sarah McLachlan

Remember remember the 5th of November…

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let us talk about this song by Ms. McLachlan. I was introduced to her music shortly after I finished high school and my melancholic self immediately fell in love. I cannot help it, I am drawn to pensive sadness. Of late I Will Remember You has been on my mind, mainly because of this lyric.

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside but we can’t be heard

Literally, I am so tired but I cannot sleep. I get home exhausted from work and life and cannot wait to sleep. But when I get into bed I toss and turn for hours. My mind just cannot shut the fuck up. A million thoughts plague me, keeping me awake with all the emotions for company, anxiety being my most prominent and least favourite. I feel like something is lightly squeezing my heart. My stomach feels empty, like the way you do when you need to eat soon, but I am nowhere near hungry.

The closer I get to the 13th, the harder it is to fall asleep. My despair rears its ugly head at night, the darkness and silence evidently a trigger. My heart aches at night in a way that feels as real as a headache. In my most quiet moments I become achingly aware of the pain I carry every day in my heart. Of the suffocating cloud of sadness that pervades my every waking moment. My mother’s womb was the first home I had before I came into the world and now I have to find a way to exist in that same world without her?

What was my unhealthy solution to this? To get high and black out. That way I do not dream and only wake up when my alarm goes off. Sometimes I can go around two weeks without drinking. I have never tried longer than that unless I am on medication. Lol? Other times, and of late most times, I need to get wasted to sleep.

Sometimes, usually on weekends, I wake up ready and excited for the day. Other times I miss my mum so much it is a struggle for me to get out of bed in the morning. It takes every ounce of energy I have, leaving me with nothing for the rest of the day. This became increasingly apparent around my mum’s nine month anniversary. That was difficult AF. I went to see a therapist the day before the 10 month anniversary because the insomnia, the anxiety and the unhealthy ways I was choosing to deal with things were getting out of hand.

I am yet to figure all this out. I still have trouble sleeping, I still have anxiety, but I am no longer rushing home to get high the minute I get through the door. Progress.

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