Next week at this time, right down to the minute, my mum will have been dead for one year.
This post is probably going to rile my people up so before I start I need to make it clear that there is nothing but love between us. I do not doubt that we love each other but sometimes the people who love us the most hurt us the most.
This post going up at 1:10 a.m. is deliberate as there are now exactly seven days to the day the love of my life died. Yet with the exception of one of my friends no one has asked me if there are any plans for the one year anniversary. Or how I am holding up. And I have a lot of feelings about that.
Tuesday evening I was texting with a friend and told her that my people not reaching out has me feeling some type of way. Her reply was along the lines that while they may not have reached out that does not mean they are not thinking of me especially now that December is here. Errrm … no. Just no. I cannot read minds so keeping your thoughts to yourself does not reassure and comfort me in any way. All it does is make me feel alone in my grief.
It is difficult to put into words how all this makes me feel but if I were to try it would boil down to pained, disappointed and angry. Pained because c’mon guys. Really? Disappointed because we have had variations of this conversation before when my mum was unwell. Angry because I thought doing more to support my siblings and I in the run-up to the one year anniversary would be obvious and automatic. So for the life of me I cannot understand why, with the exception of one person, my people are all silent.
This post, number 21 of 31, was conceptualised yesterday morning while getting ready for work. That conversation with my friend left me deeply unsettled and I needed to “write it out.” It is titled ‘A Little Bit Needy’ partly because of the tee Ariana Grande wears in her thank u, next music video and partly because that is how I feel. I do not know if I am trying to make homes out of human beings but I do not think so. I may be the strongest person I know but that does not mean I do not want and need to feel supported. If the roles were reversed I would definitely text/call/visit to see how one is holding up. Find out if there are any plans to mark the first year of the mother of all losses. It is said to be the most momentous of the anniversaries after all. Thirteenth falls on a work day so I understand it may be challenging to join my siblings and I. But that does not mean you cannot ask how you can help/support us.
In 2014 I read Yesterday, I Cried by Iyanla Vanzant at the recommendation of a colleague. It has nineteen chapters and each chapter title starts with “What’s the Lesson When You …” Ever since then when I am going through something difficult I look for the lesson in it. So in this situation:
What is the lesson when you do not feel support from your people when you need it the most?
The lesson is to take this pain, disappointment and anger I feel and use it to help others going through the same thing.
So I have decided that in 2019 I am going to start a support group for people grappling with the loss of a loved one to cancer. Or at the very least add my voice to an existing support group. While I aim to comfort and inspire via this blog I am now ready to find ways to do so in person as well.
I have never launched a project of any kind meaning I have no experience to draw from. I do not know where to start and the logistics are bound to be tricky. But I am on my journey to my purpose and where there is a will there is a goddamn way.