Fuckboys Are Not My Aesthetic

2018 has been the year of the fuckboy.

Before January of this year I was in a relationship for over three years so I was blissfully unexposed to the societal menace that is the fuckboy. I had heard stories of course but did not have any first-hand experience. So it took some time before I could easily make out (pun intended) a fuckboy because the dating game had changed since I was last single. Now my fuckboy recognition game is on 100.

The best definition of a fuckboy is on (where else) Urban Dictionary:

Asshole boy who is into strictly sexual relationships; he will lead a girl on and let her down, then apologize only to ask for “pics” once the girl has welcomed him back into her trust. Boys like this will pretend to genuinely care about the girl but always fail to prove the supposed affection. He almost never makes plans because he has to hangout on his terms which could be the most whimsical of times, and if the girl rejects those plans because she has a legitimate reason for not being able to hang out, he will get pissed. However, if plans are made he will bail on them without a second thought. If a girl tries to stand up to this asshole he will most likely deny everything and turn it all around on the girl making it seem as though the conflict at stake is her fault and he has done nothing wrong and hates when girls bitch at him for “no reason.” He will always come crawling back because he is a horny prick and cannot withstand the dispossession of one of his baes, because he has more than one that’s for sure. Texting such a boy will consist of the girl carrying the conversation and the guy responding with short answers 10 or more minutes after the girl’s response, but when she asks why he takes so long to answer it will be because he is “busy” but he promises he likes her. Boys like this are egotistical assholes who cannot be trusted and are hard to get rid of because they say all the right things to get the girl back.

That is quite the lengthy definition but it is exhaustive. Ladies feel free to refer to this post when in doubt. Now, let us get into it because as I said 2018 has been the year of the fuckboy.

What bugs me most about fuckboys is the lies. Whew chilllleee the lyin’!!!

And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.

That quote from The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini perfectly describes me. I am a very honest person and it usually takes me some time to realise that not everyone subscribes to my level of honesty. Because of fuckboys I now understand why in I Did Something Bad Taylor sings “for every lie I tell them they tell me three.” Fuckboys stay lying you cannot keep up.

2018’s Fuckboy of the Year is some guy I met at a wine tasting event in April. My BFF tagged me on her Instagram stories and this guy immediately sent me a follow request after seeing her story. I accept, follow back (coz he fine!!) and later in the evening after he leaves he sends me a DM. Which is 100% his MO because he legit follows every hot girl in Nairobi on Instagram. Once I decided to “conduct an investigation” and I failed to find any of Nairobi’s finest females he does not follow. We chat every now and then when he DMs me but his messages are very fuckboyish by nature. They make for a good laugh though. But besides being a fuckboy he works with an ex of mine and that is way too messy for me.

In a span of two months I met two fuckboys at two different bars who did not immediately stand out in their fuckboyery. But now I know that a major identifier of a fuckboy is they do not move with intention. Guy One called himself my future hubby a few days into WhatsApping with him. Guy Two straight up told me he knows I will be his future wife within minutes of meeting me. “Is that not romantic?” some may wonder. No it is not because I am yet to go on a date with either of them. Not because I have refused their advances but because they have not made the effort. Guy One (who I met in October) tried though. He let it be known he was very excited to go on a date with me. He initially called and texted incessantly but I was busy two weekends in a row and that seemed to deter him completely as we have not spoken since end October. Guy Two (who I met in November) straight up disappeared the next day when we were supposed to meet for drinks after work.

The last weekend of November I was at Kiza and bumped into a guy I knew from my university days. The night ended with me taking him back to my place. I was the most excited to have sex for the fourth! time! this! year! Three days later we are texting and he tells me spontaneous booty calls will not go down so well with his girlfriend … thank u, next.

Sometimes when the fuckboy is especially fine it is easy to get confused. I met such a fuckboy at Mercury in October. He came up to me on his way out and said how he finds me absolutely stunning; that he had been sitting within view of me and could not help but stare. I thought that was really cute, plus he is fine AF, so I gave him my number. He texted me the next day at 11pm and since then all our communication has been about meeting up soon. I have bumped into him on two separate occasions since that night at Mercury and every time it is the same thing – we should meet up soon. I still get tempted to text him because he is just so fine, but after trying to make plans with him three times to no avail better sense prevails.

It is on the dating apps though that I have come across the most fuckboys. Some are honest with their fuckboyery but most are not. I downloaded Tagged, Zoosk, Tinder, OkCupid and Bumble earlier in the year. The first two I deleted the next day. I kept Tinder for a while but I eventually deleted it because I kept swiping left. It was mindboggling just how many NOT good-looking people were on there. I kept OkCupid and Bumble for a bit and interacted with some relatively interesting people there but not interesting enough to meet IRL.

I downloaded Tinder again when I went to Malindi for my birthday and that was fun. Being Malindi there were a lot of Italian guys on the app and I swiped right more times than left. Though there was one guy who legit asked if I am a mum because I take long to reply messages. I laughed so hard! I do not think I will ever forget that. It was a fun, flirty, frivolous week and a dick pic or two were definitely received. But at the end of the day they were all fuckboys and I never met with anyone IRL.

In a previous post I stated that no one has asked me out all year. What I really meant was no one of substance has asked me out. While I am currently not interested in a relationship that does not mean anything goes. This is prime pussy, thank you very much! In the words of Warsan Shire:

My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.

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