B Is For BDE

Yup! B is for Big Dick Energy. Not the literal D … well, not really. BDE is more about the metaphorical D.

The Cut defines BDE as a quiet confidence and ease with oneself that comes from knowing you have an enormous penis and you know what to do with it. It’s not cockiness, it’s not a power trip — it’s the opposite: a healthy, satisfied, low-key way you feel yourself.

Vox defines it as the self-confidence to know that a colossal endowment isn’t a measurement of one’s value. BDE might stem from having a literal BD, but it’s not dependent upon any sort of genitalia. And in fact, perhaps the epitome of BDE is the complete security of not needing other people’s benchmarks — wealth, intelligence, beauty, or a BD — to know one’s own worth.

The term was coined courtesy of one of my faves Ariana Grande during her engagement to Pete Davidson. She named a song on her album Sweetener after him and when a fan asked how long it is, this was her (alleged) response:

I may not have a D (though I have balls for days) but I have BDE. I will never be the prettiest girl in a room but all the same people rarely fail to notice me. I have known this for a long time but it was really prevalent last year when I resumed clubbing. During the various girls night outs we had my friends’ friends would always ask me what it is I do that makes guys flock to me. I remember one night a friend of a friend asked “Kwani what perfume are you wearing?!” Lol. Before Ari I did not have the word for it but now I know it is BDE. I carry myself in a way that shows I am a very confident person and always have been. As a result I have this magnetic presence that fills up a room; I am definitely no wallflower.

I moved offices at the beginning of the year and there is a guy in my new office I noticed from day one. He is absolutely my type; tall, chocolate, hair for tugging (hehe!) and the most gorgeous, kind eyes. I like to spend a few minutes of the day checking him out because he is just so fine.

At first I was not sure if he sits on my floor or the one upstairs with the creatives. So I was very excited to learn not just that he sits on my floor, but also where his desk is. More time to spend checking him out. Lol.

Last Thursday I was walking back to my desk while checking him out when he caught me and held my gaze. How did I pass my desk and almost sit at the one behind mine!? As in I noticed just as I was about to sit down. Lol. It was quite the humiliating walk back to my desk. I had to lie to the guys around me that clearly I am tired and it is time to go home.

Following deskgate (lol) I decided that the next day I would come to work looking fly. I wore a power outfit and threw on some heels as I had a client meeting that morning. Once back at the office, for some wonderful reason we kept passing by each other more than usual and I could tell he was checking me out. We stan a power outfit! I was texting with my cousin about him that morning just before my meeting and at first she encouraged me to say hi. But after I told her we kept passing each other she asked why he cannot be the one to say hi. IKR!

So there I am sitting at my desk after lunch when he comes over to introduce himself. I! Lost! My! Shit!! I finally got to look at him up-close and I just know this was the expression on my face:

I have zero poker face and it gets worse around someone I find attractive *rolls eyes*. We talked for a few minutes and he asked how many weeks I have been with the company. I told him about three years and he got this super confused expression on his face. I am sure he was thinking “Three years??!! But I have never seen you around!?”

Now the conversation should have gone like this:

   Me: 3 years … you’ve never seen me around?

   Him: Imagine no (Or something like that)

   Me: (flirtatiously) I guess I’m easy to overlook

   Him: How now? (Or something like that)

But instead my boring self said how I am at my current office on an interagency move. Definitely not as fun as the above conversation. In my defence though, I was too blindsided by his fine self to come up with anything witty at that moment. All I could think was “OMG!!! HE HAS COME OVER TO SAY HI TO ME!!! HE IS TALKING TO ME!!! LOOK AT THOSE BEAUTIFUL EYES!!! THAT HAIR!!! OMG HIS SMILE!!!” This was legit me (on the inside):

You are probably wondering what all that has to do with BDE. The point is, the fine ass guy was super shocked the few seconds he thought I had been around for three years yet he had never noticed me. That is my big dick energy. One simply does not not notice me. And not because of my looks – as I said I will never be the prettiest girl in a room – but because of my aura, my vibe. BDE is less about the D and more about the E. It is the swagger and charisma one has that shows they are very comfortable being themselves. It is the quiet, yet confident energy one displays when they are well endowed and they know it. And it is next to impossible to miss.

Last but not least, onto the literal D. I mentioned before that I went on my first first date in over four years last month. What I did not mention is that the guy is packing!!! Like 10 inches packing!! I still have his dick pic in my phone that I drool over from time to time. I am tempted to have sex with him just so that I can confidently talk about having both metaphorical and literal big dick energy. Lol! But as I said in the post there is absolutely no chemistry. So I may probably have to wait a while before I can say “and it was … it was … really big” like Ari does in the thank u, next music video. Lol.