The Hunt

I was out with friends the last Saturday of November 2018 and met a really fine man at Kengele’s. My BFF had seen him checking me out and let me know as he was sitting at the table next to ours. I looked over and was happy to see that everything about him screamed I AM A MAN! He had no obvious fuckboyism going on which is important, because – say it with me ladies – fuckboys are not my aesthetic.

That Saturday was my first time at Kengele’s in forever and I was immediately taken in. First of all, there were more guys than girls which is always the best ratio. Then the music was also really good and the drinks were reasonably priced.

Before that Saturday I had come to the realisation that Mr. Right will probably not be handed to me on a silver platter and I may have to put in some effort on my end. Even Meredith Grey is actively dating this season. So I decided to put in some effort and go and say hi to the fine man. The only thing was they were two gentlemen and a lady at the table and he was sitting next to the lady. They did not appear to be together together but sometimes it is not that obvious.

“Hi. Are you two together? Because if you are then this is going to be really awkward.” I asked.

“Nooo. No. Oh no!” she (rather emphatically) replied.

From there we started chatting with the fine man who, surprise surprise, had a British accent. What a beautiful, sexy surprise. We talked for a while before I made my way back to my table to continue girls night outing.

Now, the night was so 100 that Mr. British accent came to say bye on his way out yet I have no memory of that. I blame the double shot of whiskey I had. Whiskey is NOT team Lwile. Apparently as he was saying bye he kept asking when he can see me again and all my drunk self could do was nod and smile. My friend who was giving me the 411 the next morning says I am the most elegant drunk ever. Lol. She called to check that I got home okay because after Kengele’s we went to Kiza and she left before me. Once we established I was okay she asked if I got the number of the guy I was chatting with and for a few seconds I had absolutely no idea who she was talking about. That is how hectic the night was. I mean, I lost a lace:

I am still unsure how that happened but how I remember it is at Kiza my lace came undone and when I stood up to tie it I tripped and fell right in front of the guy I ended up going home with. In my extreme embarrassment I must have decided “fuck this motherfucking shit!!” and removed it altogether. Lol.

But I digress. When I remembered Mr. British accent I immediately checked my phone for his number. I did not fucking have it! Yaani I gathered so many numbers last year from guys I met at the club, mostly Brew Westy, and ended up deleting those numbers because – say it with me ladies – fuckboys are not my aesthetic. But the one guy who seemed decent I did not get his number?! What the fuck is up with that!?

“Imagine I do not have it,” I tell my pal.

“You have failed! The way that guy was legit! You have failed us all!” my pal replies.

“Aki the way I usually save these numbers. Why did he not ask for mine aki?” I ask her.

“Maybe he tried to and you were just nodding and smiling,” she replies.

Fuck! is what immediately came to mind, progressing to fuuuuuuuck!! as the day went on. After much deliberation I decided to go to Kengele’s every day of the following week with hopes of meeting him again and this is how my week went. Grab a cup of tea/glass of wine and settle in as it is quite the long read.

Monday:

I did not go to Kengele’s on Monday as I went to the salon instead. I had recently decided to minimise heat in my hair care routine so I no longer blow-dry. I am back to setting my hair but back then my hairdresser would plait matutas and I would sit in the dryer for about 15 minutes, leaving me with beautiful curls when I undid the plaits. Only catch was I would undo them the next day so for the entire evening I looked like I was channeling Travis Scott 😐

Tuesday:

I got to Kengele’s relatively early. When I am drinking alone I usually prefer to sit at the bar. IMO you look less alone that way. Lol. Plus it is easier to hit on someone at the bar versus at a table as you can order a drink at the bar as you say hi. That is why I always sit at the bar when I am at Brew Westy; the opportunity to be hit on is exponentially higher. But the bar at Kengele’s is positioned such that you face away from the entrance and that was not going to work for my hunt. So I opted to sit at one of the tables near the entrance instead and check people out as they come in.

Usually when I go to a bar by myself I am either reading or writing. If I am reading then I will sit at the bar and am welcome to interruptions. But when I am writing I sit at a corner with an electrical outlet and would much rather not be disturbed until I finish what I am working on. Only when I put away my laptop is when I am open to any interruptions. A colleague of mine says that is why I rarely meet anyone when I go drinking by myself. Some guy might see me reading and think I am studying for a literature exam and would rather not interrupt. Lol. The laptop is even worse as it makes it seem like I have this huge ass deadline which, according to her, should be the only reason for working at a bar.

So on that Tuesday even though I had my laptop I did not use it … no, I lie. I used it for about 20 minutes to retrieve an email that became part of this post.

The place started to fill up around 7 p.m. and just like Saturday there were more guys than girls. Love it!! I had planned to stay till about 9 p.m. so around 8:30 p.m. I ordered my last drink and some bitings. I am a foodie and like to try out new things so I had kachos (the Kenyan version of Nachos; fried arrowroots, fried sweet potatoes, topped with melted cheese, guacamole, salsa and sour cream) as I had never even heard of them before. I was pleasantly surprised by how good they are as I typically do not enjoy nduma.

Mr. British accent did not show and my tally for the night was:

Glass of rose – KES 500

Strawberry mojito – KES 900

Passion mojito – KES 800

Kachos – KES 590

Total – KES 2,790

On my way home I realised that if I am going to Kengele’s for the entire week I will have to be conscious of how much I spend. I knew I had spent a bit much but it was the anniversary of Meghan and Harry’s engagement announcement and that put me in a rather celebratory mood. Lol. But going forward I decided to get there after 6 p.m. in time for happy hour.

Wednesday:

I was much smarter that day and carried a large serving of lunch that I ate at lunchtime and just before I left the office.

I had originally planned to pass by Cedars first as that day (November 28) was their 20 year anniversary but I got held up at work till 6 p.m. so I went straight to Kengele’s. For some reason it was less packed than Tuesday, which I found surprising. I sat in the same section I did on Saturday and decided to get some info from the same waiter who had served us.

“Hi. I was here on Saturday. Not sure if you remember.”

“Yes I remember.”

“Do you remember the guys who were sitting at the next table? They were two guys and a white girl.”

“Yes I remember.”

“Are they regulars? Do they usually come here?”

“No they’re not regulars. I haven’t seen them before. Was there a problem?”

“Yes!! I got drunk and did not get his number!” I think to myself but instead reply “no there was no problem.”

The conversation with the waiter was a bit deterring but I reasoned that maybe he comes to Kengele’s but sits elsewhere so I decided to soldier on with my hunt.

There was a band setting up that day and I was a bit skeptical at first, especially as I was sitting so close to the speakers, but they turned out to be really good. I would have absolutely loved to stay for their entire set but I wanted to get home in good time to cook (priorities) so I left not too soon after they started.

On my way out I noticed Chandarana was still open and decided to pass by. I always pop in to Chandarana when I get a chance because they have best deals on chocolates that are about to expire. That day though, I was going to look for lube on top of (haaa!) the chocolate deals.

I got in and noticed the gentleman who had been helping the band set up also walks in. At first I did not think anything about it until I noticed he was following me. Eventually he comes up to me and asks why I am leaving before hearing the band play. At first I was not sure if he was talking to me because he was not really looking at me and his voice was barely above a whisper so I kept it moving. He continues to follow me and asks if the reason I left is because I was not enjoying their music. That was when it hit me he was shooting his shot.

That had to be the most awkward pass a guy has EVER made at me because I was literally browsing the aisles looking for lube and my efforts to dissuade him as I low-key scanned for the lube were not working. So I gave him some offhand excuse that I would be back next week when he whispered (!) back that the band does not play there every Wednesday and he had also just joined them so he might not be at all their gigs.

At that point I was highly debating whether to abandon my search. What if he sees me buying the lube and gets a raging boner? Bruh! But do I really want to pay another parking fee to go look for lube at another supermarket?? Hell no!! I loathe parking fees. So I walked over to one of the supermarket attendants and asked him to point me to the condom section. I made my way there and fortunately/unfortunately they did not have lube. The guy was still talking to me but I could barely hear him. He was legit speaking above a whisper but I could tell he was still shooting his shot. So I decided the time has come to lie:

“I have a boyfriend. Sorry.”

“He doesn’t have to know anything. We don’t have to tell him.”

“Sorry but I’m a faithful girl, so no.”

I paid for my chocolate and got the fuck out of there. As I was driving out I saw him not too far from my car watching the entrance to Chandarana. I do not know if he was still waiting for me to leave the supermarket or if he was trying to figure out which car I got into …

I am still laughing as I type this. Can a girl buy her lube in peace or what?! Lol.

Mr. British accent did not show and my tally for the night was:

Passion mojito – KES 800

Thursday:

I got to Kengele’s just before 6:30 p.m. and immediately noticed it was more packed than the previous two days. The only free table was one that was a bit too central for my taste. I prefer to do my lurking at a semi-corner. Lol. Luckily within seconds one of the tables I had been sitting at near the entrance became available.

A few minutes into the evening and some guy who kinda resembled Mr. British accent walked in. So I called one of the female waitresses who seemed like such a sport.

“Hi. I need you to do me a favour. That guy over there, please go ask him if he is okay or whatever and find out if he has a British accent.”

“Sure. But what does a British accent sound like?

“Errr … like the footballers.”

“Cool. Got it.”

So she goes to his table and asks him whatever she asked him and on her way to the bar she looks over at me and nods. I nod “like really?” And she nodded back “yes really!” I practically dashed over there as I was just so excited.

“Hi!”

“Hi …” he replies in NOT a British accent. I froze for a second. Awkward!

Once I recovered I told him that he looks like someone I met last Saturday but it is not him and sorry to bother him. The walk back to my table felt like a walk of shame. Lol. So awkward.

In retrospect I should have:

1. Hesitated when the waitress asked what a British accent sounds like.
2. Given a better explanation than like a footballer. Just because she works in a bar does not mean she watches post match interviews. Or maybe she thought I meant Kenyan footballer? I should just have said like a mzungu. What initially came to mind was Prince Harry. Even that might have had more success than like a footballer.

That was so embarrassing but I Kanye shrugged it and moved on.

Lavosti & Roots Connection Band was playing that evening and at 8 p.m. they took the stage. I had never heard of them before that day but they are sooo fucking good. They play there every last Thursday of the month and for sure I will be attending. I have heard them play twice and they are just sooo good. Like, I want them to play at my wedding kind of good.

I had been sitting alone at my table when two gentlemen and a lady came to ask if they can join me. I obliged and the guy who sat next to me was all “I hope you don’t mind.” I told him I do not because now I look like I have friends. Lol.

So we chatted a bit with the guy and I could tell he was interested in me. He seemed like a nice guy but he was not my type. Meanwhile across the table I was sitting at there was a group of six guys and one was quite good-looking. I had been trying to catch his eye all evening but it was not working so I gave up and went over.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“So I am doing this thing this week where if I see a really good-looking guy I go over and say hi.”

“Oh? And how is that working out? How many times have you done it?”

“Twice.”

“Including or excluding this time.”

“Including.”

So we get to talking and he is funny and witty and charming. And handsome! I tell him how I had been trying to catch his eye but it was not working. Turns out he is short sighted, which my ego was very glad to hear. Lol. We had a really wonderful conversation and I thought to myself future bae is here! Till I saw the wedding ring … thank u, next. I went back to my table and the guy I was sitting with (who I could see checking me out when I was talking to the married guy) tells me:

“I need to say something. You are really pretty. Like, stupid pretty. It just really stands out.”

So I laugh and tell him thank you. That Thursday was a good day for compliments. The married guy told me how I am really beautiful with a great smile and great legs. I love receiving compliments but they also make me blush so hard. I really do not know why but receiving a compliment makes me feel both awesome and awkward at the same time:

All in all I had the absolute best time that Thursday and if I were not working the next day I would have stayed longer.

Mr. British accent did not show and my tally for the night was:

Strawberry mojito – KES 900

Passion mojito – KES 800

TOTAL – KES 1,700

Friday and Saturday:

Both days I got to Kengele’s just before 6:30 p.m. and found a table. I was really excited given it was the weekend and I was bound to meet Mr. British accent. Or at least someone interesting. Instead both days were sooo boring! On Friday two very very very very boring gentlemen asked to join my table. I had no reason to say no but I wish I did as their conversations almost put me to sleep. It was really really really bad. I called a cab around 10 p.m. and went home.

Saturday was weird because it was really empty. When I got in the previous Saturday they were screening a rugby game and the place was packed. On Wednesday the waitress had told me that during rugby matches there are a lot of good-looking guys present (she is such a sport) so I Googled and saw that there were matches slated for that evening and I was certain I was bound to meet with him. Errrm … no. The place was weirdly empty. I was informed that Diamond and Harmonize were in town that day. Maybe Mr. British accent likes bongo? Lol. I called a cab around 9:30 p.m. and gave my table to some lucky ladies behind me who had been waiting for one.

Mr. British accent did not show both nights and my tallies for each night were:

Friday:

Tuborg offer – KES 1,200

Kachos – KES 590

TOTAL – KES 1,790

Saturday:

Passion mojitos – KES 1,600

Tequila gold and silver shots – KES 600

Jägermeister shot – KES 350

TOTAL – KES 2,550

OVERALL TOTAL – KES 9,630.

Even though Mr. British accent never showed up I had such a fun week. Well except Friday and Saturday *rolls eyes*. It was initially weird sitting alone without my current read or laptop but it pushed me out of my comfort zone and I actually had a lot of fun. I got to be an extrovert for an evening each day and it was quite the experience. I am even thinking of doing this every now and then, perhaps every quarter. I can call it Bar Crawl or something like that.

Last but definitely not least, now I know why when I meet a guy who is interested in me at the club he asks for my number almost immediately. You just gotta get that number before you get your drink on. I will most definitely be doing the same in 2019.