G Is For Girls With Tattoos Who Like Getting In Trouble

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

I put up that Harry Potter quote not too long ago on both my WhatsApp and Instagram stories. Almost immediately someone replied to my IG story:

Him: I want in

Me: Issa lifestyle

Him: I could adopt it

Me: You *should adopt it

G was originally supposed to be for Goals, both the setting and smashing of them. But after 7 Rings I decided to go with Girls With Tattoos Who Like Getting In Trouble as that is wayyyy more fun. I will still address goals at some point, but Ari grabbed me by the pussy with that lyric and I simply could not pass up the chance to feature it in this year’s Alphabet Series.

Let me start by clarifying that it is not that I particularly like getting in trouble. I do not leave the house with an agenda of finding all the trouble I possibly can and immersing myself in it. It is just that I have always lived my life in a way that feels authentic to me. And sometimes that authenticity is at odds with what society deems appropriate, more so for me as a woman. I could go on and on about the archaic double standards society subjects a woman to, but not today. For today just know that I have always had a strong sense of self so it is easy for me to decipher if something works for me or not. And if what works for me is not as per societal expectations then society and its expectations can fuck all the way off. Sorry not sorry. From the minute I heard the term “rebel with a cause” I have identified as one. Which is a tad bit contradictory in that I am a rule follower as most firstborns tend to be, but only if the rules make sense. If not then bye, Felicia. I refuse to let society limit me, nor do I need its permission to do what makes me happy.

Which tends to make me a rather inappropriate person. I have never felt more seen than when a friend called me inappropriate years ago. Lol. Jk. But to quote Kanye West:

I’m a sick fuck, I’m inappropriate
I like hearin’ stories, I like that ho shit
I wanna hear mo’ shit, I like the ho shit

Speaking of that ho shit:

But it is 2019 now so can we please let women fuck whoever/whenever/wherever/however they please without it being a thing. Kthxbye.

Now that we have got that out of the way, 2019 is the year of the heaux. Yeah I said it. But it is proving a bit … errrm, interesting this quarter as Q2 is the sober quarter. No booze and no kush allowed till July 1^st with 420 being the only exemption. I have a couple of reasons for this and I will share them, together with a rundown of my sober quarter, on July 3^rd in a post titled ‘Know Better. Do Better. Be Better.’ The fact that I have a title and date identified for the blog post shows I have clearly thought it through.

Except!!!! I did not anticipate that this boozeless kushless quarter would also mean sober sex!!! This was me coming to that realisation the day after Easter Monday as I was parking at the gym.

To say I was shook is an understatement. This should be a “fun” quarter (rolls eyes) but at least I can channel some sexual energy at the gym. Except … the gym makes me so horny!

Okay so that statement was mostly for dramatic effect, but the gym really does turn me on. Ladies I will let you in on a secret: the gym is where the fine men are at. Good looks, ripped bods, high endurance … you can find it all at the gym.

The club isn’t the best place to find a lover so the gym is where I go.

When I see men doing HIIT workouts or lifting heavy ass weights I cannot help but wonder if they bring such endurance and strength to the bedroom. Kwanza when I see their muscles in motion …

As Ed Sheeran said:

I’m in love with the shape of you.

But I do not go to the gym to just thirst over men. That would be a waste of my money and if there is something I do not waste is my money. The gym baes incidentally are very motivating because they cannot be doing the most and I am outchea huffing and puffing after just 10 squat jumps. Lol. I actually really like the gym though I never believed in it before. I never understood why people would pay money to access a gym yet you can jog for free. I used to believe that exercise ni exercise but after my second day at the gym I quickly realised that not all exercise is created equally. By the end of week one I was hurting in places I did not know exist. Jogging is great, but it does not work out your entire body the way the gym does. And even cardio from jogging does not compare to cardio at the gym. Burpees anyone?

I joined the gym on April 1^st (clearly I am very serious this quarter. Lol) and as you can see from how lean my waist is (na bado!), I am not at the gym to just thirst over men.

Ni venye tu macho hayana pazia and I am a sexual being who definitely appreciates the male form. But that is enough about the gym. G is not for gym after all.

Back to getting in trouble. One of my life’s philosophies is “I would rather wonder why did I than why didn’t I™” and it is the reason I have balls for days. The things I do and/or say that tend to leave people impressed/bewildered are not for shock value, or because I am Kanye level confident, but because I hate! hate! hate! wondering what if. For the past 10 years or so I have approached life with gusto, knowing I would rather be embarrassed by how spectacularly something backfired than wonder what would have happened if I had just shot my shot. Sometimes my bravado pays off, other times not so much.

But at the end of the day, life is short. I had been saying that with an offhand air to it for years, but after my mum died the phrase is now laden with gravitas. Absolutely none of us are guaranteed to see tomorrow. Life is short, and provided it does no harm to others you should do what makes you happy. As the queen Marilyn Monroe said, “it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.” Live your life as fully and as passionately as you can, even especially if it gets you in a little trouble from time to time.