A Case For Sex Toys

Before I begin, let me just say that I am sooo excited that Leo season is finally here!!

If you know me you know that my birthday and Leo season are an extravaganza. I learnt to love my birthday from my mother and as I got older and grew into my extra-ness, my birthday celebrations expanded from the actual day to birthweek to birthmonth and now we officially kick off my birthday celebrations on July 23^rd and the party does not stop until August 31^st.

In honour of the first day of Leo season, let me tell y’all a story about some dude who is currently in the top spot for the Malenge of the Year award.

A funny thing happened to me two months ago. And by funny I do not mean “funny haha” but “funny oops”. I had a lecturer who used to say “some of you are funny haha and some of you are funny oops.” The class had two sections and whenever she would say “funny haha” she would gesture to the section with the smart kids. “Funny oops” was reserved for us jokers in the other section. Lol. But, I digress.

Not too long ago I was vibing this man with the body of a Greek god. That is not an exaggeration. He really does look like he was sculpted by Adonis himself as the first thing of a very productive morning. And he knows it too because he keeps the thirst traps coming on his social media pages. But since I was just looking to smash I chumbed into those thirst traps because his muscles really are those of a Greek god and I was down to have chandelier sex!

After a few weeks of talking and making out in my car (you gotta do what you gotta do) I decided it was time to seal the deal and sent John Doe a pin to my house.

After that I sent my waxing lady, Judy, an SOS and we agreed to meet up in the evening before John came home. Unfortunately it was a rainy Friday evening and people had just been paid so the traffic was BANANAS!! I live on Ngong Road and Judy’s appointment before mine was on Waiyaki Way so I suggested that because of the rain we should reschedule. Let me tell you guys if there is a woman who is down for the cause it is Judy. She took a boda boda from Waiyaki Way to Ngong Road IN THE RAIN!!! so that I could have just-waxed sex! We had not waxed since 420 and there was no way she was going to let me have sex with some guy for the first time with bila waxing. Not if she could help it!

Dear Judy,

Judy probably thinks I am mad though because whenever she comes to wax me there is always a new guy I am crushing on. Lol.

I took that photo of us just before she started waxing me as I was waxing poetic about my latest crush. I posted it to my WhatsApp and IG stories and captioned it “If you know you know” with the smiling devil emoji because my friends who know Judy would know there is only one reason why she would be waxing me on a Friday night.

Next up after waxing was making sure my mirror was spotless.

What mirror, you ask?

This mirror.

Ladies you know how it is when you are tryna take a mirror selfie and the mirror is not spotless – case in point that white line on my face *rolls eyes*. Lucky for me my cleaning lady had come the day before so the mirror was spotless.

Why the fuss about a mirror, you ask?

Because it is perfectly positioned (ha!) for:

1. Me sitting on the sink as he eats me up/fucks me.
2. Fucking doggy style as we look at each other in the mirror.

Kinky stuff right? To add to the kink, I had selected a pair of heels for the occasion and they were on standby. With all my preparations done, there was nothing left to do but wait.

And so I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

We were supposed to meet at around 8 p.m. but by 11 p.m. it was time to accept I had been stood up. Do you know how long it had been since I was last stood up?! Never! Before that day I had never been stood up in my life! Yaani I was ready to give John the best sex of his life and the nigga just never showed up.

The next day he tried calling and texting to apologise but I was having none of it.

He may have had his reasons for not showing up, but he should have had the decency to tell me rather than keep me waiting. Ata kama it was just supposed to be a FWB situation, that does not mean I will lower my standards of how I expect to be treated. As I have said before, this is prime pussy thank you very much and if that is the way he chose to kick things off it could only go downhill from there. Sorry not sorry but going down on me is the only “downhill” I will tolerate from niggas.

That epic letdown is why I am now serious about owning a vibrator. If ever a man dares to leave me high and dry again I’mma just take care of myself.

Niggas outchea bragging about their dick game but when the rubber meets the road (there is a pun somewhere there) they be making a case for sex toys.

So to my family and friends, or even any secret admirers outchea, if y’all are wondering what to get me for my birthday habari ndio hio. Lol.

I had intended for this post to go up on the last day of Leo season as that is my one year blogiversary. But when I thought about it I decided that kuna venye Leo season needs to kick off with a bang … or lack thereof.

Happy Leo season good people! Let the games begin!!