The last couple of posts I put up for International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day and International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women were on the heavy side so today we get to laugh.
For readers who may not be conversant with Swahili (Hi Alexandra and Nikita) sasa hizi ni nini means now what are these.
If there is a phrase I perpetually used in quarter three (Q3) it is sasa hizi ni nini. I said those words over and over and over again: from when my trainer gave me yet another bananas HIIT workout, to when yet another restaurant on UberEats fucked up my order, to when I sat in yet another meeting that should have been an email … the list is endless.
But the one thing that made me say sasa hizi ni nini so much mpaka my phone now auto-predicts the phrase is a pair of really rubbish men (from here on referred to as malenges) that Q3 threw my way.
Let us begin today’s post with malenge number one. Aka John Doe 1. Aka JD1.
I met JD1 in April, but he was a background character in my life for all of that quarter. That might sound a bit harsh but he really was not on my radar and I never paid him much attention until Q3.
I was on a booze x kush break for all of Q2, so come July 1st I was dead ass excited to be back on the wagon and was looking forward to getting smashed over the weekend. Coincidentally, JD1’s birthday was that week I was back on the wagon … and that was where my problems began.
July 6th was the Nairobi Wine Festival and I attended it with my BFF. We drank a shitload of wine, and in what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, we were on the drunk side of life by the time we were leaving the event at sijui 5 p.m. 😐 We then went to her place and polished off a bottle of wine that she had bought at the festival. After that we capped off our day of drinking at Westgate with some happy hour cocktails at one of my BFF’s favourite spots. In what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, I was wasted AF by the time I was leaving Westgate.
I had exchanged numbers with JD1 the day before Wine Fest as his birthday was that week and, like I said, I was looking forward to getting smashed on my first weekend back on the wagon. While I was at Wine Fest he texted to find out if I would be out that night. I let him know that I was not sure but if I were to go out then it has to be some place MSD (Minimum Staggering Distance). Since we both live around Ngong Road we agreed that if we are to meet up, Jiweke ndio form.
When I got into the cab after happy hour at Westgate I informed the cabbie that I will either be going home or to Jiweke.
Once we hit Ngong Road the cabbie asked where he was dropping me off and I said:
LET’S GO MAKE BAD DECISIONS AT JIWEKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- I really did shout it like that. Lol.
- If I could do that night over I would have gone home instead.
I barely remember Jiweke but by the time I was shouting “LET’S GO MAKE BAD DECISIONS AT JIWEKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I had an idea of how the night would end. In what will come as a surprise to absolutely no one, I woke up in JD1’s bed.
Things with JD1 started off well enough. He asked me out to dinner Sunday night, but Sundays are my ‘me day’ so I declined and suggested a rain check. In the weeks that followed he would text me good morning/goodnight and ask how my day was. He told me over and over again how beautiful I am, and how it is especially my eyes and my smile that do it for him. He would compliment me on my lewks and say how he enjoys reading my blog.
When I look back at it though, this was the case:
Hindsight is always 20/20 but at the time I really believed the malenge liked me. Plus the sex … whew chillllllleeeeee the sex!!!
The first time I realised that shit is not all rainbows and butterflies with JD1 is when he stood me up for birthday sex. Kwanza wacha I sema something that I intentionally left out of the post. The Monday of my birthweek we agreed with JD1 that he would come to my place at around 11 a.m. but 30 minutes later he was yet to show up and there was no word from him. I eventually called him just before midday to find out if we are still meeting (read fucking) and he went, “oh shit! It’s your birthday.”
I made a mistake by not cutting him off there and then because it only got worse after that. But he “made up” for birthday sex the following week with some bomb ass sex.
One Sunday night during birthmonth he came over to my place and kama kawaida we had some bomb ass sex. After sex he needed to leave because he had to drop something for a friend at Jiweke.
Him: But I’m not even planning to ingia the club. It shouldn’t take more than 20 minutes. So maybe I can come back for round 2?
He called a cab to take him to Adams as he was meeting a boy of his there before heading to Jiweke, and when the cab fikad nigga had the audacity to tell me:
Him: Do you mind spotting me for 200 the cab? I don’t have cash on me and I’m not able to access my mobile money.
But imagine I agreed.
When he got to Adams JD1 texted me the cabbie’s number for me to send the 200 bob.
And I sent it.
After sending that 200 bob my dumb ass texted my cousins on our WhatsApp group chat, lowkey bragging about the bomb ass sex I just had, and how round two is coming up soon because he should be back any minute. I then said, (and I quote) “this man is here to complicate my life I swear.”
What is that I keep saying about speaking things into existence?
Nigga never came back.
Nigga straight up pulled a wacha niende hivi nacome on me!
Flash forward to the penultimate day of August.
He came over to my place and we had some bomb ass sex as usual. He left the next morning (without giving me morning sex! Grrr!!!), but not before we agreed to see each other later that night. I did not see him that night (are you sensing a pattern here) and when I called him the following day (September 1st) to ask what happened, he said ati he took some crazy ass pill that fucked him up.
He apologised and promised to pass by later in the evening so that we can talk. By 10 p.m. nigga still had not shown up so I texted him that I cannot live life waiting for him, so fuck you I am going to bed.
How did the nigga show up at my house at 1 a.m!! Yo!! At first I was not going to open for him, but he was creating a bit of a ruckus and I did not want my neighbours to get involved so I let him in. The first and only thing he said when he entered my house was “sorry.” After that he proceeded to undress before entering the bed and blacking out.
I got into bed with him and it was barely 15 minutes before my watchie called me to say there is someone in a cab outside the gate waiting on JD1.
My first thought was, “if he has blacked out and left me with a cab bill I am going to kill him.” So I made him wake up and deal with whoever was at the gate.
Or so I thought.
Kidogo kidogo my phone starts ringing, and kumbe it was his boy outside the gate. Turns out JD1 was supposed to call him a cab but since he had blacked out, his boy asked me to call him the cab.
I had paid for JD1’s cab two weeks ago and I was not about to pay for his friend’s as well. Not even a little bit.
This whole time JD1 is fast asleep, snoring loudly enough to wake the dead. And when I tried nudging him to get him to stop snoring, it would only work for a hot second before he was back at it.
But as much as the snoring annoyed the fuck out of me, it was better than the silence. When he was silent I would start freaking out that maybe he took another one of those crazy ass pills and now he has overdosed in my bed. Because surely how high do you have to be to forget your friend outside the gate yawa.
To top it all off, nigga is keeping me awake by alternatively snoring like a chainsaw and having me check if he is still breathing when he is silent, yet he did not even sex me when he came through.
Honestly, if you are going to show up at my house without warning at 1 a.m. you better start with some fire flames sex. If we had had sex I would have been like 70% mad, but we did not so I was 100,000% mad. At 4 a.m. I could not take it anymore so I woke him up by force and told him to get the fuck out of my house.
You would think that JD1’s story ends there. But alas! I needed to be made a fool of one more time before I understood it is time to:
After the fiasco of that Sunday night, we agreed to meet over the weekend and just figure out what the fuck is not happening. He suggested we talk on Saturday and I said cool provided it is during morning hours because in the afternoon I was going to my cousin’s place before heading out for Konshens. He was fine with that as morning worked better for him as well.
How did he not show up?
And how did I end up seeing him at Konshens?
Now for malenge number two. Aka John Doe 2. Aka JD2.
I first met JD2 just after high school and we had a pseudo thing, but it never materialised into anything substantial. With time we lost touch and did not talk for about 13 years until I met him at the club on the last day of August. That night there was some talking, some kissing and some giving out of numbers.
We started texting after that night and it was not long before he invited me to a gig at Ole Polos on September 21st (exactly two weeks after I cancelled JD1 for anyone keeping track).
At first I was hesitant because Ole Polos is wayyy out of my comfort zone. I am team MSD remember. But when I thought about it I realised that I had turned 32 the previous month and I had never been to Ole Polos in my life. That is quite the woeful fact, so I decided to take him up on his offer and go have some enjoyment a whole sijui 42 kilometres away from my house.
I went with a cousin of mine and when we got there at around 10 p.m. the party was in full swing. We were some of the only sober people there so our first course of action was tequila.
While we were getting tequila at the bar I spotted JD2 and noticed that he was hanging with some babe. At first it did not bother me too much because of course he is allowed to talk to other women.
After the tequila I went to smoke up, and once I was through I went to hang out with JD2. Priorities nini nini. We were dancing, drinking, having a good time etc., but it was not long before I noticed that the babe I had spotted him with when I came in was really hanging around him and I was like hmmm …
Guise if there is something I hate doing is hanging around a man when there is another babe(s) in the mix also vying for his attention because those optics disgust me. So I distanced myself from that scenario and carried on with enjoyment because I did not journey sijui 42 kilometres to waste a good time.
But my cousin was really pressed and told me, “Lwile this nigga over here ain’t it! In fact I’m going to have a word with him.” At first I did not get it but kumbe JD2 was (to use my cousin’s word) fondling this babe behind my back. So she talked to him and his side of the story was ati I was the one ignoring him 😐
After that he came up to me and said:
Him: Why are you ignoring me?
Me: Because it’s like you are with this babe …
Him: What? Are you kidding me? I don’t even know her. I just met her this weekend. I invited you here, not her
Me: … okay
Him: You know we are 13 years in the making right …
After that “clarification” we spent the night dancing and kissing and generally just having a good time. My cousin wanted to leave at around 2 a.m. but I was still going strong with the enjoyment so we agreed with JD2 that I would stay over and the next morning he would drop me home. So we kicked it till around 4 a.m. when I went to bed in the room JD2 was staying at for the weekend and he went back to the party.
At around 6 a.m. he came to the room.
With that babe.
The room had two beds so I decided to keep calm first and see if he would show her to the other bed before climbing into bed with me.
Nigga got into bed with the babe! They started kissing and he told her, “you know we have this crazy chemistry, right? It’s been there since that first night we met when you sat on me in the cab on the way to Alchemist.”
Heh! Nigga lied to me mere hours ago that he had just met that babe, yet there he was in bed with her talking about their long-standing chemistry.
While I am in the same goddamn room as him!
At first I did not know what to do. I did not want to get out of bed because they would know that I had heard everything and I was not in the mood to have that conversation with JD2. Voyeurism is not my thing though so I decided that if they start having sex then I am hightailing it out of there.
Luckily it did not come to that because as much as he tried getting some, she was tired and just wanted to sleep. So the minute they both fell asleep I got the fuck outta there.
And aki just see how I was looking like a whole snack:
That night JD2 told me that he reads the blog and wants to be in it. Well, here we are. Lol. I am pretty sure this is not what he had in mind. He probably thought I would write some fire flames sex story about him.
Today’s post is a bit on the lengthy side but aki I have done my best to condense it. There is so much I have not shared (e.g. how I spent my Sunday morning in Ole Polos, or how I concluded things with JD2) but we cannot be here forever. Lol.
JD1 and JD2 really did a number on me though. So after processing both that weekend and Q3 in its entirety, I decided to take a break from men in Q4 because I kiff up.
Which malenge has you more shook? JD1 or JD2? Feel free to let me know in the comments 🙂