How Can The World Be This Vulgar?

December 25, 2019 is the third Christmas without the love of my life and I am sooo fucking over it.

Christmas is used to be my favourite day of the year, even more favourite than my birthday and Leo season. Until my mum died 12 days before Christmas 2 years ago and Christmas has never been the same since.

Last year on this day I put up a post titled Merry? Christmas that you can read here. The question mark after ‘merry’ was deliberately placed as I was feeling anything but merry, and 365 days later I am still feeling anything but merry.

It is not just Christmas Day that sucks major balls for me, but the holidays in general. My mum was the first person I would call at midnight on New Year’s Day to wish a Happy New Year and now I no longer know who to call first so I call no one instead.

Sad fact: this was not today’s intended post. I was scheduled to put up a positive, uplifting and inspiring post detailing the metamorphosis I have undergone this year. But since Monday – two years to the day I buried my mum on December 23, 2017 – I have been feeling anything but positive, uplifting and inspiring so I scrapped the post. In my funk yesterday evening I decided that I would not put up a post today and would explain why on December 31^st in my Kwaheri 2019 post. But as I was watching The Knight Before Christmas last night, I decided to put up a mini post explaining why there is essentially no post today. So here we are.

One of my readers (hi Edna) sent me that photo of a page from a book she was reading titled How to Be Both by Ali Smith. I could go on and on and on about the section that is singled out, but long story short I hate that sooo many random things exist in this world but not the love of my life. How can the world be this vulgar?

Last year on this day I was home alone, drinking wine, smoking weed and watching Christmas movies. I am aware that is really sad, pathetic even, but as I said my mum died 12 days before Christmas so the day is really fucking sad to begin with.

But this year there is no weed for me. I do not know if the kush break has made my funk better or worse, but what I do know is that this year I did so well with regards to my grief until the holiday season came in like a wrecking ball. But the fact remains that I really overdid it with weed last year and was extremely unproductive the entire holiday season. I smoked wayyy too many blunts in a mere three days after almost eight weeks off weed, and I did not stop after those three days. The 2017 holiday season was not any better as on the penultimate day of the year I was high AF by midday and ended up breaking my favourite wine glass. I wrote about it in one of my 2018 posts, A Broken Heart Is Not A Broken Glass, which IMO has one of the best outros I have ever written:

There is little to nothing a broken glass can hold. But a broken heart can still hold boundless love, infinite joy and endless hope.

That statement still stands true obviously, but on days like this a broken heart does feel like a broken glass. Everything about the Christmas and New Year’s period is just sooo fucking hard to endure and I cannot wait for the holiday season to be fucking over and for it to be 2020.