International Day of Friendship (Broken Friendships Version)

July 30 is International Day of Friendship and, unlike my Friendship Day posts in 2019 and 2020 which focused on a thriving friendship, this year I am wearing my heart on my sleeve by writing about a not oft-talked about aspect of friendship— broken friendships.

Before getting into today’s post, I need to clarify that not all friendship endings are a bad thing. Sometimes friendships end because that person was in your life for a season, or a reason, and once that period is over, the friendship ends with it. And that is okay. Other times they end because as humans we are constantly growing as individuals and sometimes we outgrow the friendships we are in, even if they are with people we love. And that is okay too. While most friendships slowly fade out of existence, there are instances when they go out with a bang and the most common cause of this is betrayal, in all its many forms. Those are the occasions when a friendship ending is actually a good thing, but other times friendships end and your heart breaks, and that is the kind of friendship ending I am addressing today.

We often talk about the pain of broken relationships but hardly ever extend that same energy to broken friendships. There are millions of songs about the heartbreak from the end of romantic relationships but the same cannot be said for platonic ones. Yet when platonic relationships end they can hurt just as much as, if not more than, romantic ones. Society actively encourages us to take the time and space to heal our broken hearts after breaking up with a lover, with millions of heartbreak songs available (Breakeven by The Script being the quintessential breakup song IMO) to bestow upon you the perfect soundtrack of sad songs for you to cry/rage to. But a similar blueprint with what to do when a friendship ends does not exist and that is because friendship is not sanctioned in the same way other relationships are. Friendships rest on a kind of mutual covenant that, more often than not, is not explicitly stated. Marriages and business partnerships have explicit covenants where all parties know when the relationship has officially started, as well as its terms. Because they have explicit beginnings, they also have explicit endings. Not so much with friendships though. When friendships end, most times they die out (to paraphrase John Green) the way you fall in love: slowly, and then all at once. And you are expected to get over it just like that *snaps fingers*??! Make it make sense!

One of my top agendas for 2023 is fixing my broken friendships, strengthening existing ones, and making new connections. I have said that many times before, but before today I have never said anything about the how and why of that agenda. But I truly wear my heart on my sleeve in this sensitive Friendship Day post by being open and honest in a way that is slightly out of my comfort zone as I lean more into vulnerability. With that said, the how and why is because I am getting married on January 4, 2024 and when it came time to assemble my bridal party, I realised that I am suffering from a serious shortage of friends as I barely had anyone to ask. There are several reasons why that is the case, and while that is a whole separate post, just know that some of the reasons have to do with, and are explained in, the trilogy of posts I put up in May for Mental Health Awareness Month 2023— Cracks, Crashing Down and Lost.

Today, International Day of Friendship 2023, I want to keep it real and let you in on one reason for my broken friendships— me. Or, in the words of the inimitable Taylor Swift, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.”

On October 21, 2022 Taylor Alison Swift released her record-breaking 10^th studio album titled Midnights and that lyric from the chorus of Anti-Hero, the lead single, was like a knife to my gut that cut me wide open and forced me to examine my messy insides.

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me
At tea time, everybody agrees
I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror
It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

In a video posted to Taylor’s Instagram a few weeks before the song came out, she said:

Track three, Anti-Hero, is one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written. I really don’t think I’ve delved this far into my insecurities in this detail before. I struggle a lot with the idea that my life has become unmanageably sized. Not to sound too dark, but I just struggle with the idea of not feeling like a person — don’t feel bad for me, you don’t need to. But this song really is a real guided tour through all the things I tend to hate about myself; we all hate things about ourselves. It’s all of those aspects of the things we dislike and like about ourselves that we have to come to terms with if we’re going to be this person. I like Anti-Hero a lot because I think it’s really honest.

Taylor being that honest to the world in a song (that might just nab the Song of the Year Grammy which she has inexplicably never won) inspired me to be honest with myself. And what I learnt was me 🤝 Taylor Swift 🤝 staring directly at the sun but never in the mirror. I will definitely address that similarity in detail in a separate post because that revelation and what it changed in/for/around me is a whole other story, but for today I am sharing how it pertains to my friendships.

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me

That deceptively simple lyric was the catalyst for a turning point in my life as it inspired me to be honest with myself about the many ways I have been the problem in many areas of my life over the years. And for today’s International Day of Friendship post I will open up about three types of broken friendships I have experienced AC (After Covid):

1. The friendship I am content to remain broken
2. The friendship I fucked up and realllllllyyyyyy want to fix
3. The friendship I recently rekindled whose breakup broke my heart

Before I begin it is important to note that I will be as honest as possible about the friendships while also removing any identifiable aspects of the friends to protect their privacy.

The Friendship I Am Content To Remain Broken

This was one of my oldest friendships and it has taken me well over a year to come to terms with the fact that we are never ever getting back together, like ever.

This was especially tough for me because we had been friends for years and in all that time we had never fought even once, a fact we were both immensely proud of. But then last year she made a huge change in her life that I initially supported wholeheartedly, but kumbe I did not know the full story as she downplayed/omitted her role in the change when telling me her version of events. It was only until one of the people closest to her called me to give me both versions of events that I learned she had kept some details from me. I knew I had to ask her about what I had just learned, but I took my time with it because I worried it would result in our first fight and was terrified about that. But I dragged my feet so hard for so long that she even called my fiancé to ask if there was anything going on with me because I was not picking up her calls or replying to her messages. Which, I admit, was cowardly of me, but as I said I was terrified about having our first fight because of the conversation. A conversation that, if I truly loved her, had to have with her no matter how awkward and (potentially) explosive it could get.

We had the long overdue conversation on 420 last year when she called me just after 7 a.m. We spoke for approximately an hour and at the end of the conversation I confessed to her that I had been avoiding her because I was terrified of us having our first fight. She replied that I had nothing to worry about, adding that it is not like we fought during the conversation as it was a calm one. She assured me that we had not fought then and will not do so in future either, doubling down that I had nothing to worry about. At the end of that call I felt sooo happy and relieved as I had been assured there was nothing to worry about. I went on to have a fantastic 420 because all’s well that ends well, right?

She went on to block me on WhatsApp and unfollow me + remove me from her followers on all her socials. At first I was not too worried about her blocking me on WhatsApp as I thought she just needed some time. And as someone who loves taking time to process my shit, I completely understood where she was coming from. I did not worry until my birthday came and went without a word from her. The unfollows on her socials was The Moment I Knew (Taylor’s Version) that she was done with me. That was when shit got real and that shit cut deep. My fears were not unfounded after all and I hate that for me. For the longest time I would have conversations with her in my head, asking her why she chose to cut me off yet when we last spoke she assured me that we were cool.

From the moment I knew, I started telling my fiancé that if she wanted to come back to my life she would have to put in the work. And that even though she was one of my closest friends, if we made up she still would not be in my bridal party as she lost that right when she felt that unfriending me was the best way to handle our first ever “fight”.

But it has been over a year of radio silence and I am now content with letting the friendship go. I draw solace in the fact that I am not the only one who was dropped like a steaming pile of dogshit from her life as the “informants” who gave me the full version of events have also been ex-communicated. The fact that I am not alone has been instrumental in healing my broken heart because the way she dumped me so unceremoniously absofuckinglutely broke my heart. But I have had well over a year to sit with her decision and now I no longer have any interest in rekindling a friendship with someone who handled our first “fight” the way she did. I did not ask for this and since she seems quite content to kick me out of her life, painful as it is, I have to let her go on my end as well. All’s well that ends well, I suppose 🤷‍♀️

The Friendship I Fucked Up And Realllllllyyyyyy Want To Fix

Of the three broken friendships in my life that I am opening up about today, this one hurts the most because I had an active role to play in its break.

My (ex?) friend and I called each other “our first friends in life” as she is only five months younger than me. We grew up extremely close and up until recently she was present for all the major milestones, the ups and the downs of my life. We have made some of the best memories together over the years and when I was in a depressive period in 2015 after struggling with and during a year of my mum being hospitalised on a monthly basis, my friend organised a surprise party for my 28^th birthday. She formed a group chat with my family and other friends who spent time planning all the details to ensure I had the best birthday ever. They checked out my wish list on EatOut to see which restaurant I would enjoy for dinner, deciding on Soko at dusitD2. Up until that point I had never felt as loved and appreciated as I did that day and was sure I would never have a better birthday. Not just because of the beautiful, loving, well-thought-out surprise, but because of what it did for my soul.

Before that surprise party I was struggling deeply with suicidal ideation as few things are harder than seeing the love of your life fight so hard to live. A fight you cannot quite tell if they are winning or losing. It made me desperately unhappy and after a year or so I was tired of living. I may not have wanted to die by my own hand, but I was happy to die from causes not my own. If I were hit by a bus, attacked by thugs, had a heart attack, or however death chose to come for me, I would be fine with it. I thought about it so much it became an unhealthy obsession. I no longer wanted to exist in a world without my mum. I hoped that when she died I would soon follow suit because dying first would surely send my mum into an earlier grave. My friend saw this and threw me a surprise party and lifeline all wrapped up in one. That party reignited my fire for life. It made me want to continue living. It made me finally quit smoking cigarettes six years after I picked up the nasty-ass habit. My mum and her mum had cancer, which made me very high risk for the disease and if I continued smoking I would move from very high risk to cancer victim/survivor. The party my friend threw me made really really really want to live. So I set a date when I would smoke my last cigarettes, settling on August 31, the last day of my birth month, and I have been cigarette-free ever since.

What an incredible friend, right? Flashforward to 2021 when I fumbled the bag. How? By taking my friend for granted.

You truly do not know what you have until it is gone, and now that my friendship is gone and I had a role to play in it, I now recognise how careless I was with my friend’s love. She was the one who would always reach out first and make plans to get the gang together, but with time she began to say that she was tired of always being the initiator and would appreciate being on the receiving end as well. I heard her, but for various reasons, I never put in the effort she was asking for. I took for granted that we would always be friends but now I know that putting the work in relationships does not pertain to just romantic ones.

I started to take her for granted in the little ways, each small act creating a bigger and bigger wrecking ball to our friendship that I did not see coming until it was right in front of me. One of the aforementioned little ways is that she is a big caller and I am a big texter so there were times she would call to check in and I would not pick up. I have grown to dislike unplanned phone calls and I make no apologies for that because I am an introvert and unplanned calls are challenging for me. What I should have done though was to drop her a text and make plans for a call sooner rather than later, thereby accommodating both of our preferences. One instance that built the wrecking ball that I did not see coming until it was right in front of me was in 2021 when she texted me that she misses us and I replied that I miss us too with some heart eyes/face emoji or something, but never made any real effort to connect with her. If there is a single point I would go back to and do things differently in this friendship, it is unequivocally my perfunctory response to my friend’s bid for connection. We then had a blow up towards the end of 2021 that took me over a year to move on from and by the time I was ready to let shit go, the rust that grew between telephones became the chain to the wrecking ball that I did not see coming until it was right in front of me.

There are a couple of reasons why I never matched her energy, but I will not share them here for two reasons. One is that I cannot do so without sharing any identifiable aspects of my friend, and the other (more important) one is because I do not want to give any excuses. It is incredibly painful to look back at the demise of our friendship and realise the role I played in it, but I take full ownership of my role and am keen to make things right.

So I texted my friend in January this year asking her to let me know when we can meet up and reconnect, and her response was rather unenthusiastic. I showed both texts to my sister and she advised me to be more vocal about my intent by clearly stating that I want to fix our friendship, so I sent her this text in March:

I did not hear from her for 2 ½ months.

I mentioned the lack of a response to a friend of mine I met up with in April and she gently suggested that I might want to read between the lines, or lack thereof. I told her that normally I would as I am a firm believer that no answer is your answer, but I am holding out hope because I fucked up and I want to own my role in the break of our friendship. I want to at least try and make things right because if, God forbid, something were to happen to her and I did not try to fix us, I would never forgive myself. And also because I know her not being part of my bridal party would make my mum sooo sad. Given how deeply I feel my mother’s absence the closer we get to the wedding, my friend not being in the bridal party is a loss in more ways than one way for me. In fact, my friend is the reason I am yet to do any of my bridesmaids proposals because I cannot bear the thought of not “proposing” to her. But I have given myself a deadline of my birthday before I just have to get on with it as I need to give the rest of my bridal party ample time to plan themselves. And given that my birthday is three days after Friendship Day, it is safe to say that I need to get on with my proposals and see what happens next if/when she wants to hear me out.

Given we are practically in August and I still have not met up with her almost eight months after asking her to reconnect, I have had to accept that fixing our friendship is not a priority for her like it is for me. It has been incredibly painful to accept that realisation because as Taylor sings in the only breakup track on Lover, “saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts.” What makes it even worse is that her and the first friend I wrote about in today’s post were two of three friends who had a front row seat to me falling in love with my fiancé, and while I have moved on from friend the first friend, I am still holding out hope that we can fix things with this friend as there is no version of my life where I get married and she is not in my bridal party. But the fact is I cannot want this for the both of us. If she wanted to, she would, and I do not blame her one bit for seemingly not wanting to. Just the same way I took too much time to move on from our blow up in 2021, she is allowed to reconcile with me (or not) when she is good and ready and not a minute later. I understand that and I respect her decision, but I would be lying if I did not say that for me the time constraint of my upcoming wedding date looms like a doomsday clock because of how final it would be for our friendship if we did not make up in time for her to be in my bridal party.

The Friendship I Recently Rekindled Whose Breakup Broke My Heart

This was the first friendship breakup I ever had and it hurt sooo bad I would dream about the friendship every so often. Dreams that could be sooo vivid and often had the most intricate storylines that I started entertaining the idea of writing short stories based on those wild ass dreams.

We had been friends for over a decade and because nobody got me quite like she did, she quickly became my soulmate. We were so close mpaka we would joke that if we were both unmarried by the time we are both 40 we would marry each other, though she is 100% straight.

Towards the end of 2018 and into the beginning of 2019, I noticed that I would reach out to her to make plans to hang out but she hardly ever reciprocated. By the middle of 2019 it became painfully obvious that the friendship had become one sided. I had a conversation about it with a cousin of mine and she helped me understand that if my friend wanted to, she would. Plain and simple. I was devastated by that plain and simple truth because it meant that I had to let the friendship go and that was heartbreaking because my friend was my soulmate.

But let go of it I did. I stopped reaching out and the friendship swiftly died out.

I may have let go of the friendship in my actions, but my spirit was struggling with letting it go, which explains why for the 3 ½ years my friend and I did not talk I would dream about her every now and then. The dreams were different each time, but they all had the same theme of me asking her, whether gently or in a rage, why she dumped me. Sometimes she would tell me why, other times she would simply apologise, but every time every dream ended with us being friends again. I would wake up with intense joy in my heart for a second before realising it was only just a dream and for a few seconds my heart would break all over again. There were even occasions when I could not shake off the dreams and they would Stay Stay Stay (Taylor’s Version) with me and I would be sad for the morning/rest of the day.

This would continue for 3 ½ years until I had yet another dream about my friend towards the end of December last year and I decided enough is enough. After 1,277 days of my spirit using my recurring dreams to make its intention known, I decided to text my “ex.” I reasoned that the worst she could do is say no and it is not like we were friends anyway, so I did not have much to lose.

So I sent her the following text:

To which she responded with so much enthusiasm 20 minutes later. We met up on the penultimate day of 2022 and towards the end of the evening as we were eating dinner I asked her why she dumped me. She replied that she became a lazy friend and left me to be the one to initiate all our meet ups. So when I stopped doing that, she did not pick up the slack. We had the loveliest evening and I am glad I reached out to her because it has been a pleasure rebuilding our friendship. I am quickly being reminded why she was my absolute fave and I love that for me.

Once I decided that 2023 is all about fixing my broken friendships, strengthening existing ones, and making new connections, I started reading up on how best to rekindle broken friendships. The plan was that when I had built up enough mental and emotional strength to handle possible rejection, I would start out on my ‘Repairs Era Tour’. Because an invitation to reconnect is simply that— an invitation. Just like you sometimes receive invitations that you want to turn down, your friend might not want to accept the invitation to reconnect, and that is their right. So while I worked on building the necessary mental and emotional strength, I was also reading on how best to rekindle broken friendships so that I would be ready to go on my ‘Repairs Era Tour’ once I was strong enough.

I found two excellent threads from Dr. Nicole LePera (@Theholisticpsyc on Twitter… rather, on X 🙄) and I am sharing them here in hopes that they may one day help someone else the same way they helped me. The first thread is on making amends and the second is on how to repair a relationship which ties back to making amends.

Thread one:

Thread two:

As I conclude I need to share that there are two major things I have learnt from my broken friendships, the first being to not take people for granted. You need to nurture your platonic relationships with the same energy and enthusiasm you extend to your romantic ones. More so when you get older and life gets busier and it is not as easy to meet up with each other. I read somewhere that a study found we lose about half our friends every seven years, so we realllllllyyyyyy need to be intentional with nurturing our friendships by making the time to connect because life comes at you fast and it is easy, and fatal, for friendships to get lost in the busyness of life.

Another thing I have learnt is that while it is important to own my role in friendships where I am the one who fucked up, it is just as important for me to forgive myself. After all, I am owning up to my role in everything, but not everything is because of my role. I was part of the problem, not the entire problem, and that distinction gives me peace of mind. I have a lot of regrets about sooo many things but I am only human and I cannot change the past. I can only learn the lessons and carry them with me as I try, try, try to be a better, more intentional friend going forward with those who want to move forward with me. Reciprocity of your intention to rekindle a friendship should not have any bearing whatsoever on you forgiving yourself. The fact that all you do is try, try, try is enough. You are enough. I am enough.

I turn 36 on August 3^rd and in the trilogy of posts that I put up for Mental Health Awareness Month 2023, I shared that rediscovery is my word of the year for 36 and 37. I am slowly becoming the person I should have been a long time ago, and I love that for me and the people on this journey with me. Making peace with people I have hurt allows me to move forward with my life, even if they do not move forward with me.