Mental Health Monday: The Woman In The Mirror

I do not know exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the way in 2024 I stopped seeing myself in the woman in the mirror.

The About Me section on the blog, which I wrote in August 2018 before launching Lwile the Leo on the last day of Leo season, reads:

In very many ways I am still the quintessential Leo who wrote that ‘About Me’ section almost seven years ago. I am cognisant of the fact that while a lot of the traits I proudly possess are deemed positive, some I also proudly possess are considered character flaws. It took me a very long time, but I proudly own both my good and bad personality traits because if I do not own all of who I am, how can I expect other people to do so? That is not to say that I am complacent with my bad personality traits, as I continually work on mitigating the flaws that get in the way of me becoming the best possible version of myself.

But while I am still ‘About Me’ in very many ways, in many other ways I have devolved into someone I no longer recognise. Nowadays, when I look at myself in the mirror I see many things including a liar, a manipulator and a gaslighter. I see a woman who lies to everyone, including her therapist, if and when the need arises. A woman who manipulates people and situations to get her way, and if lies and manipulation do not work, turns to gaslighting.

In my Karibu 2025 post I admitted that while I made some good decisions last year, I mostly made a lot of bad ones that will define 2024 as an age of foolishness. What I have since come to understand is that each bad decision I made last year slowly but surely chipped away at my integrity and now I hardly recognise the woman in the mirror. The bad decisions were made over the course of 2024 but they came to a head in December, and with that came a shitload of guilt, regret, shame and self-loathing. At a time when seemingly everyone in the world was merrymaking, I was depressed and drowning in so much guilt, regret, shame and self-loathing that they manifested as physical sensations. To feel those four emotions so deeply that they manifested physically only served to elevate my depression and made December 2024 the worst month I have had in years. Right now I am working on forgiving myself for the mistakes I made otherwise the guilt, regret, shame and self-loathing I feel whenever I think of my bad decisions last year will rip me a new one. In fact, they very well threatened to do so in December and I do not know where I would be right now if I was not on antidepressants then.

It has not been easy to come to terms with the fact that I no longer like who I see looking back at me in the mirror. Even harder has been accepting that I am, on occasion, a liar, a manipulator and a gaslighter. So as part of my quest to practise radical self-love this year, I am working on falling back in love with the woman in the mirror. This year I intend to love myself sooo radically and pour into myself so abundantly because only when my cup is full, or at the very least halfway full 😅, will I be able to show up for others. And this year I intend to show the fuck up as a wife, a sister, a friend and a colleague.

Something else I am doing to fall back in love with the woman in the mirror is being honest with myself and my loved ones about how I am doing on any given day. When asked how I am, I no longer respond with fine if I am anything but. In fact, I am working on striking the word fine from my vocabulary altogether and only responding with more nuanced replies. I wrote about this in detail in my first Mental Health Monday post of the year, but what I did not share in the post is that my decision was originally inspired by the one and only Meghan Markle.

In 2019 Meghan Markle and Prince Harry embarked on a 10 day royal tour of Southern Africa and had a camera crew present to film them for their documentary Harry & Meghan: An African Journey. ITV News presenter Tom Bradby travelled with Meghan and Harry to film them on their royal tour and interviewed the couple on a number of occasions. In one of the interviews Meghan was brave enough to be honest that she was not okay when asked how she was doing by Mr. Bradby. Her vulnerable response immediately became a news headline and I was deeply moved by her honesty from the minute I read about it. I have been a fan of Meghan since I first watched her on Suits, and while I may have missed out on The Tig and her Instagram days before Prince Harry, I am definitely following her now (I clicked the follow button sooo fast) and am beyond excited to watch With Love, Meghan once it premieres on Netflix on March 4th.

But, I digress.

I consider today’s post as being two sides of the same coin in that I started writing it in January right after I was released from a mental hospital and was, unsurprisingly, going through so much mental and emotional turmoil. Thirty-seven days after leaving Chiromo Lane Medical Center I am pleased to share that I now recognise the woman in the mirror and am happy with who I see looking back at me. Even more enchanting is the fact that with each passing day I am falling more in love with the woman in the mirror ever since I decided to make self-love my Word of the Year for 2025.

I was listening to Mel Robbins, an American author, podcast host, and former lawyer who is now one of the most respected experts on change and motivation in the world, speak about self-love on the Headspace app. In the six minute mini podcast, she shared a lot of gems on and around self-love that I will recap for anyone who is interested in loving themselves better.

Ms. Robbins started off by saying that self-love is not a feeling, it is an action. That it is not just positive and kind self-talk, it something that you demonstrate to yourself. Demonstrating self-love is the fastest way to build self-love as a muscle and as your default way of moving through the world. I am a gym girlie so I really resonate with building muscle when used as a metaphor and I use it all the time when asked about my reading and writing habits. She added that based on research, self-love is the single most important habit you can create because you are never going to be happy if you are constantly beating yourself up. Self-criticism can hinder you from creating positive change in your life. When you can demonstrate self-love not just in how you talk to yourself but also with what you are physically doing to take care of yourself, it amplifies your confidence, creates more energy and excitement in your life, and it builds resilience.

She went on to say that the single biggest mistake when it comes to self-love is saying “I will be happier and love myself more when…” For example, when I lose the weight, when I earn more money, when I meet the person of my dreams etc. And the reason it is the single biggest mistake is because doing so attaches your self-worth, being kind to yourself and loving yourself, to some accomplishment outside of you. This means that you are never going to be in control of love or kindness or your potential if you put it outside of you. Furthermore, waiting for “the perfect moment” enforces that you are not enough right now.

Powerful stuff, right? She then challenged anyone listening to learn how to look in the mirror and see a person who is worthy of cheering for and loving right now. And let me tell you I felt that deep in my core.

According to Ms. Robbins one way to build your self-love muscle is to practise the high five habit daily. And how to practise that habit is to look at yourself in the mirror and realise that there is another person in the room with you. Not just your reflection, but a human being. Look in your own eyes and when you are ready, high five the person in the mirror. The science that explains why it works is based on the fact that your brain knows what a high five is. It is an action that says I believe in you and it is also an act of support. By high fiving yourself you are programming your mind to default to a positive, loving, kind state when you think about yourself. Research shows that in less than five days of practicing the high five habit every morning, it profoundly changes your relationship to yourself because it makes it a new habit to love and be kind to yourself. I started practising the high five habit the day my self-love post went up and now I do it every day while getting ready for work as the last step in my AM skincare routine.

As I conclude, I need to point out that the opening statement of today’s post mirrors the one of my previous post in that the first seventeen words are the same.

Clearly 2024 did one hell of a number on me because at some point last year I stopped loving myself as deeply as I should and I also stopped seeing myself in the woman in the mirror.

I have promised myself that I am going to get back to being myself this year: the happy me, the pretty me, the fun me. The year might have started off wonky, what with me spending two nights in a mental hospital in January, but I will be damned if I let 2025 be a revision of 2024. Last year I survived, this year I thrive.