Let’s Talk Morning Sex

Before Monday morning the last time I had morning sex was with my ex … in January 2018!!!

IKR! Over 1 ½ years ago!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came to that realisation at the gym on Monday evening and I had to pause for a minute because my initial thought was:

Also, this is the second sex realisation I have come to at the gym that has left me shook AF! What juju does the gym have?! Lol.

The last time I put up a post whose title started with “let’s talk” was my first SATC post Let’s Talk About Sex Baby! where, contrary to the title, I wrote about how I was NOT getting any action. So sijui I make Let’s Talk a thing where I write about sex manenos.

In fact the next one just might be Let’s Talk Masturbation because frfr I am getting a vibrator for my birthday this year.

But, I digress. If you read Fuckboys Are Not My Aesthetic then you are aware I had sex a grand total of four!!!! times last year. What you are unaware of is that only one of those four *rolls eyes* times involved morning sex … 2018 was just such a fail. Lol.

2019 is not proving to be any better though yet it is supposed to be the year of the heaux. For some reason this year is full of dudes who are taking me nowhere fast. Believe it or not, before Monday I had only had sex 3 ½ times! That ½ probably has you like:

That ½ is another funny-oops story that I just might share one day. But yes, 3 ½ times 😐 And the way this year I have been serving lewks! I was texting with a friend of mine yesterday and she was rather surprised because with the number of lewks I have served this year I should be getting more … expressions of interest. Lol.

Her: Whoa get you some and keep that glow at least he is sleeping over last I checked you were kicking them out at night

Me: That was the plan. But there have been no them to kick out. Lol

Her: Eish looking like that there must be a queue out your door

Me:

Before I go any further, let me explain that “kicking them out at night” bit. I had two rules for the year of the heaux:

1. Do not show up unannounced. Lest you find I am not alone because I am not about to deal with such a complication.
2. No sleepovers. I find the morning after with FWBs either awkward or intimate and I am currently not in the mood for either. Mara morning breath, mara sina eyebrows, mara they wanna cuddle but I just wanna check my IG. Ugh! Just no.

So back to my story. Over the last few weeks my thirst traps FINALLY started working and there was a guy I was WhatsApping last week after he saw one of my stories. We met towards the beginning of last year at Brew Westy but have not seen each other since. I had even deleted his number towards the end of last year when I was spring cleaning my contacts. We had not talked in over six months and I saw no point in having his number on my phone. But he is a good looking ka boy (if I remember well, lol) so on Thursday night I asked him what he was up to the following evening. He said he had plans that he might not be able to get out of. Which, fair enough. I then asked if we can do (each other, lol) Saturday instead and he replied that he had an out of town family thing during the day so maybe when he got back around 9 p.m. Which, fair enough.

Guess what happened at 9 p.m.?

Nothing. I did not hear from him all night. Hell I have not heard from him since he sent that text actually.

These niggas doe! Why they gotta go and make it rocket science aki!? Fellas! Let me spell it out for you – if we make tentative plans and it turns out that you are unable to make it then for fuck’s sake just tell me. I really do not understand how someone can think that ghosting is more acceptable than excusing yourself. After all, the plans were tentative in the first place. Or even if you gotta cancel, have the hard conversation and tell me why you are cancelling.

That guy made me realise that enyewe these niggas are just dicking me around instead of actually dicking me.

And I have had enough! When Judy came to wax me on Friday after work we had some wine after we were through as I played her some music from the sex playlist I am building. I told her that if I do not get laid this weekend I am buying a vibrator first thing on Monday morning because I am determined to have birthday sex, whether with myself or with someone. She just laughed and probably thought I was joking but I set a reminder on my phone for Monday 9 a.m. as I wanted it to be the first item on my agenda for the day.

But on Sunday I decided that kuna venye I was not about to let the weekend end without someone eating me up. I have been waxing religiously for almost 10 years now so obviously I wax for me first and foremost. But although waxing gets easier the more you do it, it is still far from “fun times” and goddamnit every now and then I crave some just-waxed sex to help me really appreciate the wax. So I reached out to a guy I had sex with earlier in the month and we met for drinks later in the evening. After drinks we came back to my place and following some really good sex, I let him sleepover and we had morning sex the following day.

Guise! I had forgotten how much of a flex morning sex is. Kumbe that rule I set was actually setting me up for failure. Morning sex can make a Monday morning feel like a Friday. Morning sex can clear your skin, snatch your waist, add six inches to your hair, even out your complexion and turn enemies into friends. Morning sex can change your life. Lol.

I usually suffer from the Sunday scaries:

So Monday mornings are exceptionally hard for me:

Kumbe all you need is some morning sex to make Monday morning palatable. When I got to the office the first song I played was Money by Cardi B and I sang along real loud (in my heart though, because Monday morning in the office) to “I like morning sex.” I played the song over and over and I am quite certain I had a Cheshire cat smile on my face the whole time. Mpaka I spent some time in the morning chatting with my colleagues and making jokes yet my usual MO on Monday till around lunchtime is tusisumbuane.

Yaani I even forgot to buy a vibrator. I’mma still buy one though because I am done with depending on other people for sexual gratification.

Next up, birthday morning sex because August 3^rd ain’t the only thing coming.